You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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