We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
