I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
