Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
