i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
