I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
