I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
