I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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