these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
