omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I stole a fireplace last night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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