weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
