You're a womanizer and a bitch.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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