I looked at my own cervix.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
