I'm going to jail i love you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
