We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
