i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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