Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
