I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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