Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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