proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My bed smells like the plague
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize