New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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