Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
