I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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