Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
