I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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