is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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