I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize