I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize