Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
