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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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