I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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