what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
