Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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