i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
