I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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