a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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