R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
