Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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