you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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