Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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