We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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