i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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