I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
