At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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