i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
