Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
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