so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
