So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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