I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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