sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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