That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
