I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
