I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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