I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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