he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
