I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
