I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
