I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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