Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Never underestimate the power of titties
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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